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How to Find the Perfect Mate and Have an Halal Wedding

When I first became Muslim in 1993, my ultimate goal was to please Allah, become the best Muslim and marry a religious man to lead me to the path of righteousness.  Many women in today's world spend their time dressing in the latest styles, plucking their eyebrows and of course wearing the hijab thrown over their shoulders to please a man looking for marriage. All which are harm and forbidden in Islam.

My belief was that I should first read the Glorious Quran 2 times before marrying.  I believed that if I was the very best Muslim, that I could get the very best Muslim husband and I did exactly that.  After 3 months I was approached that someone wanted to marry me and I refused to even see the brother.  I was not ready yet.  I did not know enough about Islam.  After 6 months another brother was presented to marry me and I agreed to see him.

The imam of the masjid arranged for him to come to a picnic where I was at and see me.  I was not told he was coming so I could run and get the most beautiful dress available, I was seen as I normally dress.  He came and did salat when we all prayed in front of me or shall I say the women and he left quickly. There were no conversations, no greeting and no polite talk.  He simply came to see my face and left.

I was crushed as I was not prepared for this.  I thought to myself that I must be ugly or not good enough.  Little did I know what was going on.  He went home to pray salat - istikhara for 3 days and after 3 days my phone rang. The wife of the sheik was on the phone and told me the brother approved of my looks and wanted to see me.  He arranged to take us all out to an Islamic Chinese restaurant in Orange County, California.

We all met at the sheik's house first and their was polite talk.  I told him I wanted a super religious man to increase my deen.  He remained quiet and said very little.  I then told my friend that I must be ashamed as I only wore hijab to the mosque and I was requiring him to be perfect.  She advised me to inform him of this and be honest.  I told him about not wearing hijab and he humbly told me, "You wear hijab for Allah, not I." If you are not frightened of Allah, then I will not ask you for more."  He stunned me.  He did not require me to do anything, but please Allah.  I went home and until this day I wear hijab all the time.

We hit things off well and he asked me to marry him and 7 days later we were married in a simple ceremony at the Sheik's house with only a few witnesses and my witness or friend who escorted me there.  I was an older woman living alone in California so I had no mahram.  My friend came as my witness.

Halal Meeting of Women

I told my story to give you an example of how to meet someone halal and have a blessed union.  I did not meet my husband at a disco or on the street of the market. The sheik of the masjid searched for a viable mate for me and presented him to me as an option.  It is both haram and not allowable in Islam to chit chat on the net, pick a girl out of your college or meet some one for tea you saw at the movies.  Muslims do not date.

If you do not know a sheik, then have your mother or sister which is traditional in Jordan to search for a nice, religious woman. You should not search yourself and Allah protect us from these wedding sites that advertise brides for sale.

If you will follow the sunnah of Prophet Mohammad, PBUH, you will see that this type of behavior is not acceptable.  The culture has taught people to co-mingle.  When the devil is present when you meet, he will be there throughout your marriage.

Read about the wedding of Fatima and how Prophet Mohammad, PBUH, arrange her wedding.
http://learnislam1.blogspot.com/2011/11/what-is-halal-islamic-wedding.html


The Marriage Contract (nikkah)

Once your family has found a proper bride, you must see her and agree to the marriage.  You will meet to sign the agreement to marry and there you will present your bride with her dowry (mahr) and agree to what else is to be given.  It is traditional to give a certain amount of money for the bride's clothes, money in cash or gold and a set amount of money in case of divorce.

It is more pious to ask for less and put less hardship on the bride groom unless he is financially able. It is not necessary to have a large party and gathering.  You can finish your wedding at the sheik's house or the mosque and save you and your family lots of money.

Signing the Nikkah according to Sunah

Saying Faitha is Bidah When Signing the Nikkah

What does Bidah mean?  Bid'ah say'iah is a new thing, introduced to and made part of the Deen (Islam) that has no origin what so ever from the Qur'an or the Sunnah of Rasoolallah [May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace] 

Read more about Bidah: The Concept of bidah

Saying Fatiha was never done by Prophet Mohammad, PBUH or his sahaba and therefore we state that this practice should be avoided if you are doing it because everyone in your country is doing this.  Reading from the Glorious Quran is not bidah and if you particularly love Sura Fatiha, then read sura Fatiha to please Allah alone, but not because it is a tradition in your town.

Here is a forum debate on the subject: Is reading Sura Fatiha Bidah? 

Marriage according to the Quran and the Sunnah

And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us
from our wives and our offspring
who will be the comfort of our eyes,
and make us leaders for the Muttaqûn"
    Those will be rewarded with the highest place
(in Paradise) because of their patience.
Therein they shall be met with greetings
and the word of peace and respect.
(Qur'an 25:74-75)
Hadith - Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, No. 1, Narrated Anas bin Malik
A group of three men came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him asking how the Prophet worshipped (Allah), and when they were informed about that, they considered their worship insufficient and said, "Where are we from the Prophet as his past and future sins have been forgiven." Then one of them said, "I will offer the prayer throughout the night forever." The other said, "I will fast throughout the year and will not break my fast." The third said, "I will keep away from the women and will not marry forever." Allah's Apostle came to them and said, "Are you the same people who said so-and-so? By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of Him than you; yet I fast and break my fast, I do sleep and I also marry women. So he who does not follow my tradition in religion, is not from me (not one of my followers)."

Here is a hadith talking about those who do not follow "My Traditions" in religion is not from me, (not one of my followers) so be careful Muslims how you marry, find a spouse and what you require from them.

Not marrying is not an option unless you are old.  If the woman is old, she is not expected to marry and should find solace in her home and living a devout live. She should find a way to promote dawaa, help the poor or take care of her family.  If you are poor, then fast till you can afford to marry.

Read more on marrying according to the Quran and the Sunnah: Muttaqun online.  

Swaying from the Ways of Our Prophet, PBUH

Marriage is very expensive these days.  Even the providing of a home with furnishings may cost thousands of dollars, to expect the groom to give huge parties, lots of gold and own a flashy car is beyond acceptable for some.

Why would a woman demand such things in Islam. The woman who is pious and asks for less is the best.  I received $1 and asked for nothing in case of divorce.  I had no party and yet my husband was fairly wealthy.  I preferred to please Allah.  Read the following: 
  1. The many customs as regards engagement are contrary to the Sunnah. In fact, many are against the Shariah and are regarded sins. A verbal proposal and answer is sufficient.
  2. To unnecessarily delay Nikah of both the boy and the girl after having reached the age of marriage is incorrect.
  3. There is nothing wrong in inviting one's close associates for the occasion of Nikah. However, no special pains should be taken in gathering the people from far off places.
  4. It is appropriate that the bridegroom be a few years older than the bride.
  5. If the father of the girl is an Aalim or pious and capable of performing Nikah, then he should himself solemnise the marriage.
  6. It is better to give the Mahr Faatimi and one should endeavour to do so. But if one does not have the means then there is nothing wrong in giving less.
  7. It is totally un-Islamic for those, who do not possess the means, to incur debts in order to have grandiose weddings.
  8. It is fallacy to think that one's respect will be lost if one does not hold an extravagant wedding and invite many people. What is our respect compared to that of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam)?
  9. The present day practice of the intermingling of sexes is an act of sin and totally against Shariah.
  10. There is nothing such as engagement parties and Medhi parties in Islam.
  11. Great care must be taken as regards to Salaat on occasions of marriage by all - the bride, the bridegroom and all the participants.
  12. It is un-Islamic to display the bride on stage.
  13. The unnecessary expenses incurred by the bride's family in holding a feast has no basis in Shariah.
  14. For the engaged couple to meet at a public gathering where the boy holds the girl's hand and slips a ring on her finger is a violation of the Qur'anic law of Hijaab.
  15. It is un-Islamic for the engaged couple to meet each other and also go out together.
  16. Three things should be borne in mind when giving one's daughter gifts and presents at the time of Nikah:
    • Presents should be given within one's means (it is not permissible to take loans, on interest for such presents);
    • To give necessary items;
    • A show should not be made of whatever is given.
  17. It is Sunnat for the bridegroom's family to make Walimah.

    Note:
    In Walimah, whatever is easily available should be fed to the people and care should be taken that the is no extravagance, show and that no debts are incurred in the process.
18. To delay Nikah after the engagement is un-Islamic.

SOME CUSTOMS


In aping Western methods sheepishly, Muslims have adopted many customs which are un-Islamic and frowned upon.

Some examples are:
  • Displaying the bride on stage;
  • Inviting guests for the wedding from far off places;
  • Receiving guests in the hall;
  • The bride's people incurring unnecessary expenses by holding a feast which has no basis in Shariah. We should remember that Walimah is the feast arranged by the bridegroom after the marriage is consummated.
  • It is contrary to Sunnah (and the practice of some non-Muslim tribes in India) to wish, hope for or demand presents and gifts for the bridegroom, from the bride's people. We should always remember that our Nabi (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) did not give Ali (Radhiallaahu Anhu) anything except Dua. 
My husband made istikhara  and he saw 7 cows.  He told me that our life together would be short and that I was dying in 5 to 7 years.  I said, "What did you say?" He said, "I have decided to marry you anyway." Walahee this is what he told me and he was indeed correct.  We spent only 7 years together and he died.  It was not me he saw dying, it was him.  I never ever regretted our life together and although it was only 7 years, it was the best 7 years of my life.

Funny after he died, Allah increased my love for my husband, picture is on the page.  He was the best husband possible.  We married according to the sunnah of our most beloved Prophet, PBUH, and we lived our life according to what is dictated.  We married to please Allah alone and I had a marriage without love in the beginning.  Because of our great sacrifice, Allah has made me the person I am today.

I cannot encourage each one of you more to follow the correct way to marry and to avoid these culture traditions. Do not take a chance with your jannah. Wait for the love to come and never be guilty of zina.  I ask you today to trust Allah and know that following the traditions of Prophet Mohammad is better than anything.

May you each be blessed with this personal story of triumph.

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